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Post by Astin Descartes on Aug 6, 2010 0:54:03 GMT -5
"I'm sorry," Astin replied sincerely. He didn't mean to throw Dastan off-balance, but it was only fair, wasn't it? Dastan made him do ridiculous things. He'd never thought he'd put on anything like the stupid costume he was wearing, but he had, because Das had suggested it. Because he couldn't tell Dastan no, and he couldn't try to argue. He was tired of arguing. He wanted to just let things go for once, let Dastan hold on to him and dance for a little while longer. He wanted to enjoy it and pretend that this dance meant more than they knew.
Astin wrapped his arms tighter around Dastan's neck, forcing him closer. He felt so full and complete when Dastan held him. He wasn't sure how to explain it, but the troubles of the real world seemed to fade away while he was in Dastan's arms. He didn't care anymore for the drama, because as long as he was pressed against Das, dancing with him clumsily, he could pretend that things were the way he wanted; he could imagine that Dastan was his and he was Dastan's. It was what he desperately wanted, what he needed beyond all common sense and logic. He simply wanted to love Dastan, but he was terrified of losing him.
"You drive me crazy, too," Astin said, burying his face in Dastan's clothes. "Your stupid eyes and your hair and just..." He took a shaky breath. He was so close to just blurting out how he felt. Why did things always have to be so complex?
Shaking off the depressing emotions, Astin quietly said,"Dancing with you is nice."
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Post by Dastan Cross on Aug 6, 2010 1:12:20 GMT -5
"Dancing with you is nice."
Dastan buried his face in the hair of the slightly shorter boy, pulling him even closer. He didn't know what to do anymore. He knew it was wrong to want Astin the way he did, especially when he was so unworthy of someone like him. But Merlin, he just wanted to kiss Astin into oblivion, cuddle with him, forget everything that was wrong. He wanted to dance like this forever.
But he couldn't do that. He couldn't, and dammit, it was going to kill both of them. He had to stop this. Only in a dream could the two of them be so happy for very long, especially where romantic feelings were involved. Dastan wanted that dream to be a reality, but it wouldn't be. It couldn't be.
Instead of blurting out all of this, however, Dastan simply sighed, his breath blowing through the blonde hair, "Dancing with you is nice, too. Even if my knee is about to fall off."
As if on cue, his knee buckled beneath him and he stumbled, but he recovered quickly and didn't let his hands drop from their places. He didn't want this to end. Not yet, at least. Because for now, it was just the two of them. And best friends could dance...right?
Whatever. Dastan didn't care anymore. He just wanted this to be like in his dreams, even if he knew that it never could be.
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Post by Astin Descartes on Aug 6, 2010 2:45:52 GMT -5
Astin closed his eyes as Dastan's breath skimmed over his hair. He felt like an idiot. A big, stupid idiot. He was probably the worst date in all of history. But then, this wasn't a real date, was it? He didn't think it was. At least, he hoped it wasn't, because if it had been, he had royally screwed up. But Das didn't want him that way. So it was okay if Astin had wanted to kiss someone else, wasn't it?
No, Astin decided, it wasn't. Even he didn't think it was right. Kissing that girl hadn't been bad, but it was wrong. The only person he wanted to kiss was the beautiful boy dancing with him. Astin didn't think he could ever kiss anyone else again, either.
Fuck. He thought he was going to get past this, overlook it, forget about it. He was doing a poor job of that, too. It seemed he botched everything lately.
"I'm sorry I'm such a screw-up," he said suddenly. The firewhiskey from earlier must have been getting to him. "I don't even know what I'm doing here. I... I mean, you're the one person in the whole world I don't want to disappoint. Guess it's too late for that." Astin gave a forlorn sigh and pulled back. He smiled, but there was no happy sparkle in his eyes like there normally was. "Sorry I'm basically the worst date ever."
After all, even if it wasn't a real date, he'd left Das by the refreshments and went off and snogged some cheap slag pressed against the wall. That certainly wasn't proper etiquette, regardless of how "real" a date was.
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Post by Dastan Cross on Aug 6, 2010 3:05:37 GMT -5
"Sorry I'm basically the worst date ever."
Dastan didn't like seeing Astin's smile without the usual sparkle in his eyes. It was worse than if Astin were just plain out not smiling. Was that his fault? Probably. He was always a jerk to Astin, and he was always giving mixed signals, and he couldn't change who he was no matter how much he wanted to for Astin.
"You are the worst date ever," Dastan said, smiling lightly and trying to cheer Astin up, "But that's okay. You were my bad date, and I'd told you to ask her to dance in the first place. It only especially sucked when Crabbe came over and made fun of me for getting left mid-date for some other girl. Big-time reputation killer. Luckily, I set him straight."
Dastan smirked. He had been embarrassed at the time, but looking back, the look on Crabbe's face had been priceless. He was sure that people would avoid messing him for a while at least. Well, that's what he hoped anyways.
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Post by Astin Descartes on Aug 6, 2010 4:14:00 GMT -5
"But that's okay. You were my bad date, and I'd told you to ask her to dance in the first place. It only especially sucked when Crabbe came over and made fun of me for getting left mid-date for some other girl. Big-time reputation killer. Luckily, I set him straight."
Astin's fake smile fell. Right. Of course Dastan wasn't upset over Astin actually kissing her. That would be stupid. That would mean that Das was jealous, which would mean he actually wanted Astin, but that wasn't the case, was it? He'd made it quite clear that they just weren't going to be together. And fuck, Astin was still falling for him at every turn.
"Right," he replied, feeling an unexpected awkward feeling take hold. "Crabbe. He's a, uh, real jerk, huh?" Astin smoothed out his skirt, more because he needed something to do with his hands than anything. "I, uh... it's kind of late. I should, er, probably head back."
He didn't want to. He wanted to stay outside, dancing with Dastan while the stars winked down on them. But. Well. It physically pained him, to literally have his arms around Das and still know that he was somehow off-limits. It sucked. A lot.
"Besides, I'm sure we have. Uh. Prefect... Prefect-y things to do. Like me not be in drag. And really, I'm expected to show, and I hope no one recognized me, and if they didn't, I maybe should actually show up looking like, well, like me, and not like..." Astin motioned at his outfit. "Well, you know. And it's sort of uncomfortable and I don't like people looking at my butt and I'm shutting up now."
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Post by Dastan Cross on Aug 6, 2010 12:59:50 GMT -5
"Crabbe. He's a, uh, real jerk, huh?"
"Yeah, he is," Dastan answered simply.
"I, uh... it's kind of late. I should, er, probably head back."
Dastan's heart fell; Astin wanted to leave. He supposed he couldn't blame him. He didn't exactly enjoy staying with himself for too long either. He was a hypocrite and a jerk and not good enough and still tainted, no matter what Astin said to the contrary, and he was always giving off those mixed signals, and now he realized he loved the blonde and that only complicated things further. And he couldn't change that, either.
"Besides, I'm sure we have. Uh. Prefect... Prefect-y things to do. Like me not be in drag. And really, I'm expected to show, and I hope no one recognized me, and if they didn't, I maybe should actually show up looking like, well, like me, and not like...Well, you know. And it's sort of uncomfortable and I don't like people looking at my butt and I'm shutting up now."
Dastan sighed. That was a pretty weak excuse. He'd done something wrong. Usually, Astin was the one that turned Astin into a stuttering, stammering mass. Still, he supposed he couldn't keep the other here against his will. "I'm sorry," he said, looking off to the side, "You're right. I'm sure we do have...er...Prefect-y things to do." Nevermind that Astin mostly wanted to do those things to escape him right now. "And I should probably get out of my costume too. It's a bit stuffy."
To prove his point, he pulled at the collar of the costume a bit. It was a bit too much clothing for his tastes. In fact, it was layers of clothing. He really was beginning to feel stuffy and uncomfortable. Besides, Astin wanted away. He wouldn't keep him there against his will. It was wrong.
Still, he couldn't help the part of him that was begging Astin not to go.
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Post by Astin Descartes on Aug 7, 2010 0:42:40 GMT -5
Astin smiled wryly. A part of him had expected Dastan to put up some resistance, but that wasn't Das, was it? Biting his lip, Astin hesitated for a moment before his next action; still, after a moment, he leaned up and kissed Dastan's cheek.
"For future reference," he said, pulling back, "When you meet someone else, this is when you're supposed to stop them." Stop me, Astin mentally corrected. He didn't want to walk out any more than he had really wanted to kiss that girl earlier. And yet, just like he'd done then, he had to do it.
Being strong wasn't worth the heartache, Astin decided. It just wasn't. The only reason he didn't apologize and confess and go against everything Dastan had said was because he did love Das, more than anything, and Astin wanted to do what made him happy. If dating Astin wouldn't make him happy, Astin wouldn't push him into it... no matter how much he wanted to.
Shaking his head, Astin steeled his heart. He had to quit this. He had to quit loving Dastan, somehow, some way, before he hurt them both. His mind made up, Astin headed for the door, secretly hoping Dastan would take him up on his advice.
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Post by Dastan Cross on Aug 7, 2010 0:59:51 GMT -5
The place where Astin had kissed his cheek burned slightly, and Dastan forced himself not to do anything. He wanted to snog Astin senseless again. Is this what it had been like when Astin had started feeling romantically about him? It must have been; he suddenly understood the strength and restraint it must have taken the other boy. He wished, desperately that there was no need for such restraint, wished that they could be normal teens for once. But Dastan was far from normal, and he knew that. And he still wasn't worthy of Astin in that way in the first place.
"For future reference, when you meet someone else, this is when you're supposed to stop them."
Dastan shook his head sadly as Astin left. He had never been good at stopping anyone from anything had he? He hadn't been able to stop his parents from leaving, hadn't been able to stop himself from losing the fight that had landed him in slavery, hadn't been able to stop Nezam from raping him, and hadn't been able to stop Astin from feeling romantically towards him when he had known it would've been bad for them. And now, he couldn't even stop Astin from walking away, or stop how desperately he wanted to be able to stop him. It was maddening.
Letting out a shaky breath and collapsing back against the railing, Dastan fought with himself for ten minutes before finally moving downstairs to get changed. He couldn't stand himself. Why couldn't he stop anyone from doing anything?
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